I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life ........

Friday, July 16, 2010

All I really want is some justice...

Music soothes my soul. It the one thing that can determine my mood and change my mood. I love it all. I try to listen all day, everyday to something or other. And if not I be-bop around singing to the music in my head. It’s not just the music aspect of it that I love, it’s the lyrics. I will listen to a song over and over until I know every word and feel confident singing at the top of my lungs. And I get into it. I’m not just singing Alanis Morissette’s “All I Really Want,” I AM Alanis Morisette. (love the lyrics in that song by the way).

So because I love music so much, you can imagine how devastated I am to have had my ipod stolen…..for the second time!

My car was unlocked for a total of 30 minutes. DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE! At 9 am on a Sunday morning! While I was packing our stuff to go to the beach!

When we finally got loaded into the car my center console and dash were torn apart. Parking tickets, baby wipes, bug spray and at least 5 “extra” pairs of sunglasses were strewn all over my front seats. IPOD GONE. Charger GONE. Wine key GONE. Which, incidentally, I am just as upset about; a good wine key is hard to find. What, my pile of thirty Dunkin Donuts napkins wasn’t good enough for you? My febreeze air freshener? My kids toys and all of my camping equipment were still there, thankfully. But my ipod? Complete devastation.

Not only was I upset, but now  my kiddo was too.

“Who took it Momma?”

“I don’t know buddy.”

“That’s not very nice of them. You’re not supposed to take other people’s things”

(No shit) “I know, it wasn’t very nice.”

“Are you sad?”

“Yes, buddy, very sad and upset.”

“Lets go look for it.” As he starts turning over his stuffed animals in the back seat and looking under the car.

“I don’t think we’ll find it here. It’s not coming back. It’s gone.”

“Lets go see if the neighbors saw anything Momma.”

(Good Idea!) “Good idea dude!”

Well….you get the idea. No one saw anything. Conversations like this have been going on for almost a week now and bless his little heart, he believes some magic ipod finding fairy is going to put it back right where it belongs. Every time we get in the car he asks “Did you find your ipod Momma?”


It’s NEVER coming back.

And every time we get in the car I am struck with an infuriating rage.

So my options are: Go buy a new ipod (again), $150 bucks I don’t have or go buy an iphone, $300 bucks I also don’t have but I will come up with!

Of course….stupid ATT ignorant, unsympathetic bastards won’t let me. After I spent a good day and a half convincing myself that it was the right thing to do. I would never leave my phone in my car (to get stolen), it would be with me at all times. My digital camera is being held together by duck-tape and the iphone takes better pictures then my camera anyway. Plus I could have the world at my fingertips.
But no.

Damn you car-door-opening-ipod-stealing-theives!

Damn you ATT!

So for now I’m stuck listening to the radio and the Wiggles CD. Too bad the criminals didn’t have a need for highly annoying children’s music.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

After a while

If I had started blogging again about a month ago you would be reading warm and fuzzy musings. A month ago I was fantastic! I was completely high on life, at the top of my game….stupidly happy. And oblivious. Several different things contributed to said happiness; my kiddo was well behaved/mannered; lots of yoga; the first sun shiny days of summer; the best friend a girl could ask for and yes, there was a boy. I will spare you the details of my shenanigans; however, what I will say is this: Relationships are hard. They take work. Period. I feel that my particular situation is very limiting in terms of my dating pool…ie: single mom who works two jobs yada yada yada. So naturally I end up, we’ll say “involved” with someone I worked with. I made myself vulnerable. I let someone in. I trusted. And he led me around believing in the possibility of a future. And then he let me down.

Which brings me to one of the points I was trying to make. There are two ways I feel when I think of certain people. I either smile or I want to break things. Sometimes I feel both and it’s conflicting and uncomfortable. When I think of BD (Baby daddy, for lack of a better word), I want to break things, but then I smile because he is such a great person and I’m lucky to have him as my kiddo’s father, knowing full well that I most likely will always feel these things simultaneously about him. When I think of the Boy, I smile (great memories) and then I want to break things because he led me to believe he was a great person and then took advantage of me and my heart. Eventually he’ll fall into just the “break things” category, but for now I’m suffering through indifference.

The other point I was trying to get across was in regards to happiness. It’s elusive. It ebbs and flows. I was riding a very high wave and then crashed into shore and am now floating around aimlessly, treading water and trying to catch that next wave. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, in fact, many of those things that contributed to my happiness a month ago are still very much present. I have spent a lot of time the last few weeks getting back to myself.

I AM grateful. Sometimes I just need a swift kick in the butt to remember that. I also really enjoy this poem by Veronica Shoffstall. I have it tacked up to my inspiration board (side note: If you don’t have one of these, create one!) and read it almost daily.

After A While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Oh, Hello!

Yikes. It has been far too long since I've updated cyberspace with my rantings and ramblings. Have no fear, I'm back. Ish. I know, deep down inside, that doing this whole blogging thing really truly is wonderful, but I'm having a difficult time fitting it in to my already very busy life. So from here on out I am going to make sure I put "WRITE" at the top of my to-do list.

A brief update:

Summer is in full swing around here except for one, little teeny tiny thing, I'm working, FULL TIME! Which means I am a slave to my cube-life 9 to 5 (or 7:30 to 3:30 if I get up and out of the house in the morning, which usually doesn't happen). But, BONUS, I have a  whopping 14 days of paid time off I get to use, all of which I plan on using this summer and regretting later. Hence the 10 day hiatus I was just on, 5 days of which I had to use said PTO. Now I'm back and have not completely been able to assimilate back to real life. Most importantly though, a weekend of camping and music (at the Nateva Festival), not having to set an alarm, spending a day at the farmers market and beaching it with the boy have made me realize something has got to give. SOON.

The times they are a changin'.

Friday, March 19, 2010

What have I gotten myself into?

What have I gotten myself into?
I am an over-committer. I double, sometimes triple book myself, constantly try to find ways to ‘squeeze’ things in, rearrange, cancel and reschedule. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I just can’t help it. Well, I suppose I could if I really tried, but saying no is not something that comes easy to me. While saying yes usually instantly makes me feel good (yes, of course I’ll pick up your shift, I need the money!) about five minutes later I’m feeling bad and stressed (yes, of course I would love to work tonight, making my day an 15 hour one!) In an effort to relieve myself of said stress, which yes, caused me to dislocate my jaw because apparently I grind/clench my teeth at night (note to reader: if you are experiencing a sore face, go see your doctor, this is not an easy ailment to deal with), I’m trying to be hyper aware of my stressors.
Some things I get that I can’t control, like other people for instance. And try as I may, not every one will see things my way, do as I’d like them to do and read my mind. I can’t control the morning traffic. I can’t control the fact that my job is completely unfulfilling and boring. I usually can’t control my kid, but I can manipulate him and that I certainly don’t feel bad about, it’s practically a parental right. However the one and only thing I’m learning I have complete control over is me. And I can’t do it all, as much as I try to make myself believe I can, I just can’t. And that is a very hard truth for me to face. I genuinely want to make everyone happy and if I benefit from it, bonus. But usually I just end up feeling bad because I’m over-committing myself. Which is exactly what I’ve gone and done. My next few weeks are gonna be so jam packed with things I really did want to do, but now looking at it all laid out there on paper (obviously I live and die by my calendar) it is all so very overwhelming. So much so that I have to write lists upon lists of things to do, get and prepare for. Because you can’t go out with your girlfriends without having your eyebrows waxed (trip to the salon), can’t send your kid to his first day of preschool without having a new outfit, lunchbox and backpack(trip to Freeport), and certainly can’t pick up that extra shift without making sure you have a clean uniform to wear (trip to Laundromat). Add to it all physical therapy three times a week, my normal job duties, kid duties, household duties and I feel like my head is about to explode!
But….on the bright side, the beautiful weather and spring in the air is a little uplifting. And I can see a light at the end of a very long tunnel. It’s a tiny light, like that of a firefly, but it’s there.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Mommy's not here right now; leave a message.

I needed camp like an alcoholic needs a drink. My entire being was craving fresh air, sunshine, cold beer, campfires and freedom. Every winter I swear I go through withdrawals.
Camp was and always will be my version of a mini-vacation slash therapy. Ok, well I have a nice lady who is my therapist, but she can’t provide me with the sense of safety and security that camp does. What’s more, not only does it bear most of my childhood memories, camp is now playing an essential part in my kiddo’s childhood. Which, in some round-about way forces me to revisit all those “one time at camp” stories, reminding me of the me I used to be. Sigh.
Anyhoo, he’s still at that point in his short little four year old life where he’s just not sure of what he can do, what he’s aloud to do, what I tell him to do and what not to do and what I would practically kill him for if he tried (like walking out onto the barely-there-melting-ice on the lake). I really don’t want to be a “no” mom. I want to be able to say yes to anything and everything, but then what kind of person would he turn out to be if he always got what he wanted, like cupcakes for breakfast and cereal for dinner? (answer: very malnourished and overweight, albeit, a happy, person :) So although most of my time at camp is spent saying “no,” usually I’m able to squeeze in an hour, maybe two, of uninterrupted “me” time in which I get to zone out on a lawn chair, or –if the stars all align- take a nap. And all I can say is thank God for satellite TV out in the middle of nowhere, because at home we don’t have cable (I’d like to say that’s because I don’t want TV to rot my kids brain, but really I’m too cheep and cable is too damn expensive). At camp, however, we have about 200 channels of which at least 10 are just for kids, so he’s happy to veg out for a few hours and I’m happy to let him.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Absolute Truth #1…..or why I think chasing aspirin with wine is perfectly acceptable

So yesterday, as the day wore on, I found myself with an increasingly large headache. I’m dehydrated, of course, because I drink coffee literally all day. So I started chugging glass after glass of water and then I have to go pee every 10 minutes. But the headache subsided for a little bit. Then it was time to take the boy to the dentist for his first cavity filling….cringe. I sat for an hour on the edge of my chair, anxious, nervous, jaw clenched and the damn headache returns in full force. Not too mention that the noises that come out of a dentist office are headache inducing on their own. Top that off with the fact being nervous makes me have to pee too, I was a running to the bathroom every 10 minutes, neurotic, headache mess. So…..needless to say, I needed one of two things, a glass of wine or an aspirin.

Logic might tell some people that a glass of wine will only make it worse. Well logic told me that too, but I ignored it. Plus, trying to feed the boy dinner with half his face being numb still was slightly agonizing. Half way through the mac-n-cheese I noticed that his lip was slightly swollen and thought “oh shit, he’s having some sort of allergic reaction!” Well, duh, he can’t feel have his lip and just like the dentist told me he would, he bit it. Crap. Add that to my bad mommy moment list (more to come on that later). At that moment I figured I needed all the help I could get. We put away the mac-n-cheese and settled on popsicles for dinner and then I chased a few aspirin with my glass of wine. Don’t judge.

The way I figure it, it falls into that two-birds-one-stone theory. I had a headache and needed to relax at the same time and since I couldn’t really see any other legal, sane way to do that…well, I suppose aspirin and wine really aren’t just one stone, but you get my point.

It’s like “save water, shower together.” Seriously, water is expensive.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Good 'nuff

Well, it’s official, I am blogging! I have been dabbling with the idea of starting a blog for what feels like forever but often wondered if what I had to say was even interesting or if anyone would even care. Then I came to the realization that I just don’t really give a crap and now my mind is buzzing with blog ideas. So for now, after at least a good month of research (i.e. snooping at other people’s blogs) and learning how to configure a blog, this is what I got. I opted originally for pink and frilly, but if you know me at all, you know I am not pink and frilly what-so-ever, I just couldn’t seem to find anything that was me-ish. Good ‘nuff for now.