What have I gotten myself into?

What have I gotten myself into?
I am an over-committer. I double, sometimes triple book myself, constantly try to find ways to ‘squeeze’ things in, rearrange, cancel and reschedule. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I just can’t help it. Well, I suppose I could if I really tried, but saying no is not something that comes easy to me. While saying yes usually instantly makes me feel good (yes, of course I’ll pick up your shift, I need the money!) about five minutes later I’m feeling bad and stressed (yes, of course I would love to work tonight, making my day an 15 hour one!) In an effort to relieve myself of said stress, which yes, caused me to dislocate my jaw because apparently I grind/clench my teeth at night (note to reader: if you are experiencing a sore face, go see your doctor, this is not an easy ailment to deal with), I’m trying to be hyper aware of my stressors.
Some things I get that I can’t control, like other people for instance. And try as I may, not every one will see things my way, do as I’d like them to do and read my mind. I can’t control the morning traffic. I can’t control the fact that my job is completely unfulfilling and boring. I usually can’t control my kid, but I can manipulate him and that I certainly don’t feel bad about, it’s practically a parental right. However the one and only thing I’m learning I have complete control over is me. And I can’t do it all, as much as I try to make myself believe I can, I just can’t. And that is a very hard truth for me to face. I genuinely want to make everyone happy and if I benefit from it, bonus. But usually I just end up feeling bad because I’m over-committing myself. Which is exactly what I’ve gone and done. My next few weeks are gonna be so jam packed with things I really did want to do, but now looking at it all laid out there on paper (obviously I live and die by my calendar) it is all so very overwhelming. So much so that I have to write lists upon lists of things to do, get and prepare for. Because you can’t go out with your girlfriends without having your eyebrows waxed (trip to the salon), can’t send your kid to his first day of preschool without having a new outfit, lunchbox and backpack(trip to Freeport), and certainly can’t pick up that extra shift without making sure you have a clean uniform to wear (trip to Laundromat). Add to it all physical therapy three times a week, my normal job duties, kid duties, household duties and I feel like my head is about to explode!
But….on the bright side, the beautiful weather and spring in the air is a little uplifting. And I can see a light at the end of a very long tunnel. It’s a tiny light, like that of a firefly, but it’s there.

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I needed camp like an alcoholic needs a drink. My entire being was craving fresh air, sunshine, cold beer, campfires and freedom. Every winter I swear I go through withdrawals.
Camp was and always will be my version of a mini-vacation slash therapy. Ok, well I have a nice lady who is my therapist, but she can’t provide me with the sense of safety and security that camp does. What’s more, not only does it bear most of my childhood memories, camp is now playing an essential part in my kiddo’s childhood. Which, in some round-about way forces me to revisit all those “one time at camp” stories, reminding me of the me I used to be. Sigh.
Anyhoo, he’s still at that point in his short little four year old life where he’s just not sure of what he can do, what he’s aloud to do, what I tell him to do and what not to do and what I would practically kill him for if he tried (like walking out onto the barely-there-melting-ice on the lake). I really don’t want to be a “no” mom. I want to be able to say yes to anything and everything, but then what kind of person would he turn out to be if he always got what he wanted, like cupcakes for breakfast and cereal for dinner? (answer: very malnourished and overweight, albeit, a happy, person :) So although most of my time at camp is spent saying “no,” usually I’m able to squeeze in an hour, maybe two, of uninterrupted “me” time in which I get to zone out on a lawn chair, or –if the stars all align- take a nap. And all I can say is thank God for satellite TV out in the middle of nowhere, because at home we don’t have cable (I’d like to say that’s because I don’t want TV to rot my kids brain, but really I’m too cheep and cable is too damn expensive). At camp, however, we have about 200 channels of which at least 10 are just for kids, so he’s happy to veg out for a few hours and I’m happy to let him.

Absolute Truth #1…..or why I think chasing aspirin with wine is perfectly acceptable

So yesterday, as the day wore on, I found myself with an increasingly large headache. I’m dehydrated, of course, because I drink coffee literally all day. So I started chugging glass after glass of water and then I have to go pee every 10 minutes. But the headache subsided for a little bit. Then it was time to take the boy to the dentist for his first cavity filling….cringe. I sat for an hour on the edge of my chair, anxious, nervous, jaw clenched and the damn headache returns in full force. Not too mention that the noises that come out of a dentist office are headache inducing on their own. Top that off with the fact being nervous makes me have to pee too, I was a running to the bathroom every 10 minutes, neurotic, headache mess. So…..needless to say, I needed one of two things, a glass of wine or an aspirin.

Logic might tell some people that a glass of wine will only make it worse. Well logic told me that too, but I ignored it. Plus, trying to feed the boy dinner with half his face being numb still was slightly agonizing. Half way through the mac-n-cheese I noticed that his lip was slightly swollen and thought “oh shit, he’s having some sort of allergic reaction!” Well, duh, he can’t feel have his lip and just like the dentist told me he would, he bit it. Crap. Add that to my bad mommy moment list (more to come on that later). At that moment I figured I needed all the help I could get. We put away the mac-n-cheese and settled on popsicles for dinner and then I chased a few aspirin with my glass of wine. Don’t judge.

The way I figure it, it falls into that two-birds-one-stone theory. I had a headache and needed to relax at the same time and since I couldn’t really see any other legal, sane way to do that…well, I suppose aspirin and wine really aren’t just one stone, but you get my point.

It’s like “save water, shower together.” Seriously, water is expensive.

Good 'nuff

Well, it’s official, I am blogging! I have been dabbling with the idea of starting a blog for what feels like forever but often wondered if what I had to say was even interesting or if anyone would even care. Then I came to the realization that I just don’t really give a crap and now my mind is buzzing with blog ideas. So for now, after at least a good month of research (i.e. snooping at other people’s blogs) and learning how to configure a blog, this is what I got. I opted originally for pink and frilly, but if you know me at all, you know I am not pink and frilly what-so-ever, I just couldn’t seem to find anything that was me-ish. Good ‘nuff for now.