I am an over-committer. I double, sometimes triple book myself, constantly try to find ways to ‘squeeze’ things in, rearrange, cancel and reschedule. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I just can’t help it. Well, I suppose I could if I really tried, but saying no is not something that comes easy to me. While saying yes usually instantly makes me feel good (yes, of course I’ll pick up your shift, I need the money!) about five minutes later I’m feeling bad and stressed (yes, of course I would love to work tonight, making my day an 15 hour one!) In an effort to relieve myself of said stress, which yes, caused me to dislocate my jaw because apparently I grind/clench my teeth at night (note to reader: if you are experiencing a sore face, go see your doctor, this is not an easy ailment to deal with), I’m trying to be hyper aware of my stressors.
Some things I get that I can’t control, like other people for instance. And try as I may, not every one will see things my way, do as I’d like them to do and read my mind. I can’t control the morning traffic. I can’t control the fact that my job is completely unfulfilling and boring. I usually can’t control my kid, but I can manipulate him and that I certainly don’t feel bad about, it’s practically a parental right. However the one and only thing I’m learning I have complete control over is me. And I can’t do it all, as much as I try to make myself believe I can, I just can’t. And that is a very hard truth for me to face. I genuinely want to make everyone happy and if I benefit from it, bonus. But usually I just end up feeling bad because I’m over-committing myself. Which is exactly what I’ve gone and done. My next few weeks are gonna be so jam packed with things I really did want to do, but now looking at it all laid out there on paper (obviously I live and die by my calendar) it is all so very overwhelming. So much so that I have to write lists upon lists of things to do, get and prepare for. Because you can’t go out with your girlfriends without having your eyebrows waxed (trip to the salon), can’t send your kid to his first day of preschool without having a new outfit, lunchbox and backpack(trip to Freeport), and certainly can’t pick up that extra shift without making sure you have a clean uniform to wear (trip to Laundromat). Add to it all physical therapy three times a week, my normal job duties, kid duties, household duties and I feel like my head is about to explode!
But….on the bright side, the beautiful weather and spring in the air is a little uplifting. And I can see a light at the end of a very long tunnel. It’s a tiny light, like that of a firefly, but it’s there.
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