After a while

If I had started blogging again about a month ago you would be reading warm and fuzzy musings. A month ago I was fantastic! I was completely high on life, at the top of my game….stupidly happy. And oblivious. Several different things contributed to said happiness; my kiddo was well behaved/mannered; lots of yoga; the first sun shiny days of summer; the best friend a girl could ask for and yes, there was a boy. I will spare you the details of my shenanigans; however, what I will say is this: Relationships are hard. They take work. Period. I feel that my particular situation is very limiting in terms of my dating pool…ie: single mom who works two jobs yada yada yada. So naturally I end up, we’ll say “involved” with someone I worked with. I made myself vulnerable. I let someone in. I trusted. And he led me around believing in the possibility of a future. And then he let me down.


Which brings me to one of the points I was trying to make. There are two ways I feel when I think of certain people. I either smile or I want to break things. Sometimes I feel both and it’s conflicting and uncomfortable. When I think of BD (Baby daddy, for lack of a better word), I want to break things, but then I smile because he is such a great person and I’m lucky to have him as my kiddo’s father, knowing full well that I most likely will always feel these things simultaneously about him. When I think of the Boy, I smile (great memories) and then I want to break things because he led me to believe he was a great person and then took advantage of me and my heart. Eventually he’ll fall into just the “break things” category, but for now I’m suffering through indifference.



The other point I was trying to get across was in regards to happiness. It’s elusive. It ebbs and flows. I was riding a very high wave and then crashed into shore and am now floating around aimlessly, treading water and trying to catch that next wave. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, in fact, many of those things that contributed to my happiness a month ago are still very much present. I have spent a lot of time the last few weeks getting back to myself.



I AM grateful. Sometimes I just need a swift kick in the butt to remember that. I also really enjoy this poem by Veronica Shoffstall. I have it tacked up to my inspiration board (side note: If you don’t have one of these, create one!) and read it almost daily.

After A While



After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.